


Leave Me Alone (Don't Leave Me Alone)

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: AU, Anxiety Attacks, Insecure Phil, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Social Anxiety, in case u were wondering, present day Phan AU, thats dan angst, this is the most phil angst i've written in a while now hella
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 22:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1619903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they’re alone, everything’s fine. When the camera’s on, everything’s fine. But the second they step out in public, it’s as if they aren’t even together and Phil doesn’t understand why Dan keeps on pushing him away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave Me Alone (Don't Leave Me Alone)

**Author's Note:**

> what’s that??? courtney posted a fic??? it’s about freaking time, am i right gOD. 
> 
> ugh but i digress yes friends i am back with fics!!! this is an idea i got the morning dan and phil were being cute and tweeting about their train ride home from Glasgo and then it just snowballed from there and yeah i hope you enjoy ^_^

Phil’s head rests against the train window on the ride home from Glasgow, watching the world rush past him, greens and browns and blues all blurring together and normally, it’s a sight he can’t get enough of; there’s something about looking out the window on a train journey, watching the world blend together… it’s calming almost. He imagines this is what being inside of a painting would feel like. But today, he’s sick and tired of looking out the window, because he’s been looking out the window for over an hour now, getting lost in his thoughts and watching the scenery, and now he’s bored of it and he definitely can’t continue on like this. 

“I’m bored.” he announces, like it’s breaking news or something, but it’s not because both he and Dan saw this coming when Phil got on the train and realized he didn’t pack his DS or his laptop or even a phone charger - that’ll teach him not to pack last minute again for sure. Dan doesn’t even glance up from his laptop; Phil suspects he’s playing a game or something because it’s captured all of his attention at the moment and Phil’s annoyed because Dan remembered his laptop and he didn’t, and he’s annoyed that a videogame is getting more attention than he is (call him needy, but it would be nice if Dan would at least pretend to sympathize for him or something). 

“Sucks,” Dan mumbles almost a minute later because it resonates with him that Phil actually said something. 

Phil pouts at him, but he doesn’t even look up to see it. “Dan,” he whines. “I’m _bored_!” 

“I know, love,” Dan tells him, glancing at him and offering a small smile. “But whining about being bored isn’t going to make you any less bored.” Phil sighs, still pouting and Dan says, “Stop that, you’re too pretty to pout. There’s got to be something you can do to occupy your time until we get home - oh, shit.” Dan turns his attention back to his game, jabbing forcefully at the keys because Phil suspects he’s dying or something equally dramatic.

“Can we play I-Spy?” Phil asks him, but Dan doesn’t seem to hear him, so Phil waits until he hears his sigh of defeat, signally that his game is over, and he tells him again, “Let’s play I-Spy.” Dan doesn’t reply, and now it’s Phil who sighs heavily because he’s just so fucking _bored_ and he’s annoyed with himself for not bringing his laptop and he’s annoyed with Dan for remembering his and he just wants to play a fucking game of I-Spy. “Play I-Spy with me,” he manages to put just the right amount of whinge and whine into his voice to get Dan to glance up from his laptop at actually pay attention to him. He pouts, hoping Dan will feel sorry for him. But then he remembers his boyfriend is an asshole, who’s currently lacking any sympathy for him because he refuses to play I-Spy with him. “ _Dan_!”

“If I play I-Spy with you are you going to stop whining?” Dan asks him, not looking up from his laptop because whatever he’s doing is obviously more important than his boyfriend slowly losing his mind from lack of traintertainment. Asshole. 

“Yes,” Phil nods, but Dan’s a liar because he’s not being a very good I-Spy partner and it becomes very clear early on that he isn’t even paying attention to him, and Phil whines his name again, louder this time, not caring about the other passengers on the train glaring at him for being so obnoxious. “You’re not playing right!”

“I don’t want to play.” Dan mumbles, typing something on his laptop and Phil has to resist the urge to knock it to the floor. 

“You said you’d play with me!” Phil cries indignantly and when Dan doesn’t reply, he tries again, “I spy with my little eye-”

“Trees!” Dan finally just blurts out. “We’re on a train, Phil, and all we can see are fucking trees!” 

“You’re the worst I-Spy partner ever.” Phil crosses his arms across his chest and pouts, glaring at him but in all honesty, he just looks like a little kid who was told he couldn’t have cookies before dinner. And it’s kind of adorable. 

“You’re acting like a five year old,” Dan tells him, his lips twitching as he tries not to smile because he doesn’t want to encourage this; but Phil is just too cute even when he is being whiny.

“Am not.” Phil mumbles, crossing his arms across his chest because he most certainly is not acting like a five year old; he’s just bored.

“You are, and you’re cranky too.” Dan muses. 

“Am not.” Phil pouts again, and Dan just rolls his eyes.

“Go to sleep.” he says simply. “What else are you going to do for the rest of the train ride with a dying phone?” Phil grumbles something incoherently, but he knows that Dan’s right; he _is_ pretty tired - the plane to Scotland and the radio show and flashing everyone in his kilt was all but exhausting. He could use the sleep. He brings his body up, as if to lie sideways, and rests his head on Dan’s shoulder, but Dan tenses up and pushes him away almost immediately, “Stop.”

“What? Can’t I cuddle with my boyfriend?” Phil asks, eyebrows furring together in confusion at Dan’s blatant rejection.

“There’s… people around, Phil.” Dan tells him, his cheeks going red, as if he’s embarrassed by the idea that people could actually see him and his boyfriend all cuddled up together. 

“So? Who cares?” Phil asks.

“I do.” Dan’s reply is immediate and Phil’s no longer pouting; he’s frowning because this isn’t the most ideal thing to hear from your boyfriend of four years - that he cares about people seeing them together, as if there’s something wrong with people seeing them together. It hurts a little. 

“Dan,” Phil tries to sound as patient as possible because the last thing he wants to do is snap at Dan or start a fight with him; he doesn’t want that, he just wants to be able to lean on his shoulder while he sleeps. Is that so wrong? “I’m tired, can I please just cuddle with my boyfriend and sleep on his shoulder?”

Dan chews on his bottom lip, and shakes his head ‘no’ like a stubborn little kid. “People are going to stare.” he mumbles. “Just… lean against the window or something if you want to sleep.” and he says no more after that, turning his attention back to his laptop so he doesn’t have to see the wounded look on Phil’s face. 

Phil’s speechless. But then again, he really shouldn’t be because this isn’t the first time that Dan’s done this.

He just can’t figure it out. The two of them have been out since the beginning of the year, and the reception was more than warm. Their fans and friends and family are all thrilled with the idea that the two of them are actually together, and Dan and Phil were so happy that they didn’t have to keep it a secret anymore. So it’s not like they have to hide anything now; if a viewer sees them holding hands in public it’s no big deal anymore.

Yet Dan treats it like their relationship is still something to hide. Because when they’re on the train, or on the bus, or on a date, he refuses to touch him. He won’t hold his hand or let him cuddle on his shoulder. Forget a kiss, even one on the cheek, because Dan freaks out and backs away from him, and tells him not to. But the only explanation he’s gotten out of him about all of this is, “There’s too many people around.” 

It’s different if they’re filming though, because Dan’s all over him then. Or when they’re doing the radio show - Dan has no problem taking him by the hand and dancing with him during a song break. Or even when they do meet ups or go to gatherings, most of the time, he’s completely fine with a little hand holding or even a bit of snogging. But the second they’re walking through the streets of London, it’s as if they aren’t even boyfriends. And Phil can’t deny that it hurts.

He’s convinced he’s doing something wrong. What other reason is there for Dan to act like this? Or maybe he’s just embarrassed of people seeing them together. Phil’s not the best looking guy around, and he’s lanky and awkward, and he’s almost always attracting unwanted attention for one reason or another, and he does embarrassing things in public. Maybe this is Dan’s way of saying that he’s ashamed of him or something. 

 

Sighing in defeat when he realizes that Dan won’t change his mind, he leans on the window and closes his eyes, hoping to fall asleep as soon as possible so he doesn’t have to keep thinking about how his boyfriend refuses to be his boyfriend in public.

* * *

Hours later and they’re home sweet home in their apartment. It’s not entirely too late, so Dan suggests dinner, but Phil is still bitter about being rejected on the train so he’s not entirely responsive right now. And yeah, Phil feels bad for ignoring Dan and he’s definitely being a little immature right now, but Dan hurt his feelings and if he’s not going to tell him why it’s so wrong for the two of them to cuddle on the train, he doesn’t have to tell him what’s wrong with him right now. 

Let’s see how Dan likes a taste of his own medicine. 

After a mostly quiet dinner and an even quieter hour of watching Game of Thrones, Dan is all too aware that something is wrong and Phil’s still barely spoken a complete sentence to him. They crawl into bed later and Dan goes to wrap his arms around him, but Phil just rolls over so he’s facing the wall instead of Dan. “Phil?” the younger boy questions. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to go to sleep.” Phil tells him simply.

Dan frowns. “Well, roll over.” he says. “I want to cuddle you.”

“Use the pillow if you want to sleep,” Phil says, and yeah, it’s harsh and he can almost see Dan’s eyes widen as he says that but it’s out in the air now and he can’t take it back. “You don’t need me to fall asleep.” okay, he definitely feels like a bit of an asshole right now, but Dan was an asshole to him first so he isn’t entirely too sorry about all of this to be honest. 

Dan’s quiet for a moment. “...Okay, who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend Phil Lester who always cuddles with me before we go to bed?” he finally asks.

“That Phil Lester wanted to cuddle on the train and he didn’t get to.” Phil replies. 

Oh. “Th-that’s not fair” he tries to explain, but he can already feel his chest tighten a little. His heart begins to beat faster now because Phil’s mad at him now and he was a jerk earlier and made him sad, and now all he can think of is the train and Phil wanting to rest his head on his shoulder and all those people on the train watching them and fuck, why is this happening? “You know I don’t like doing that stuff in front of everyone.” his voice is shaking now because he’s upset, and Phil is upset and that’s making him more upset, and thinking of the train earlier is making him _more_ upset

“Yeah, well, I don’t like to cuddle before bed anymore.” is all Phil says to him because that is apparently the end of this conversation. “Goodnight, Dan.”

Dan can feel his bottom lip quivering a little. _Don’t cry, you’re fucking twenty-two years old, don’t you dare start crying because your boyfriend’s mad at you._ “Stop being mad at me.” he says softly. 

“Who said I’m mad at you?” Phil asks him. “I’m tired, I’m trying to sleep. You should too.”

“I can’t sleep if you’re mad with me.” Dan tries to tell him, but Phil clearly isn’t having it anymore.

“I can’t sleep if you keep talking.” he snaps at him. “Go to bed, or I’m moving to the guest room.”

Dan shuts up now, because the idea of Phil leaving will make him start crying and that’s the last thing either of them need right now. Sadly, he just lies down and pulls the covers up to his chin, and like Phil suggested earlier, he grabs his pillow and cuddles it and tries to fall asleep. 

* * *

After that, everything is just really awkward between the two of them. Because they’re barely talking and Phil doesn’t want to cuddle at night anymore. Because Dan can’t explain to Phil why he’s so uncomfortable with strangers staring at the two of them in public. Because Phil doesn’t have the guts to confront Dan about how he thinks that he’s ashamed of him. So they just don’t talk and it’s terrible, and they both miss each other a lot. 

A few days later things seem to calm down a bit and they’re no longer afraid to be in the same room as each other; neither of them apologize or even address the problem, but they start talking again and Phil gives Dan a kiss goodnight and it’s a start. 

They have to go into town a few days later; running errands and getting groceries and pretty much doing all the things they’d been putting off doing for one reason or another. And it’s a beautiful day so they decide to walk around a bit, as opposed to taking the bus everywhere. 

They’ve stopped to get Starbucks and now they’re conversing about where to go next and the show on Sunday, and Phil keeps lightly letting his hand brush against Dan’s - a not so subtle hint that he wouldn’t be objected to some hand holding right now. Dan’s heart speeds up at the thought of it, but then he remembers their fight and how he keeps making Phil sad because he won’t hold his hand or let him cuddle him on the train. But it’s not like he can help it; if he could, he would hold Phil’s hand all the time, and he’d let him rest his head on his shoulder whenever he wanted, he’d even go as far as kissing him in public every now and again. But he just can’t force himself to do it.

Because there’s so many people, and they’d all stare at them, and Dan just can’t handle that. And even though it’s 2014, people are still assholes and the idea of people calling him and Phil names makes him nauseous. People are mean, that’s all there is too it, but if Dan can help it, nobody is going to be mean to him and Phil. 

He can’t tell this to Phil, though, because he still hasn’t thought of a way to say public displays of affection makes me anxious because I don’t like all of the attention that comes with it” because every time he tries to, he just sounds stupid and ridiculous. So he just doesn’t say anything about it, but of course, Phil isn’t a mind reader so he doesn’t know why his boyfriend is such a freak who pushes him away all of the time - literally.

But then he remembers his and Phil’s fight, and how sad he had made Phil, and he doesn’t want to do that ever again. So he takes a deep breath because he’s going to do this today. He can do this. Phil’s worth it. He can tough it out for the rest of the afternoon, and he’ll be fine.

Dan clenches his hand into a fist several times before he takes a deep breath and he reaches for Phil’s hand. Phil stops himself in mid sentence and looks down as Dan grabs his hand, and he smiles so wide that it actually helps to melt away some of the tension Dan’s feeling right now. This is okay, this is good. Phil’s happy, he’s so happy right now and that’s what’s most important to Dan. He smiles at him, though he imagines it doesn’t look all that genuine because he’s not really feeling like truly smiling - but then again, maybe it does, because Phil just brings his hand up to his lips and gently kisses his knuckles. Dan’s eyes dart around anxiously, wondering if anyone had seen that. 

They resume walking shortly after, Phil swings their hands back and forth idly, resuming their conversation but Dan’s too distracted to even follow it anymore. He keeps looking around, as if he’s suddenly aware of just how many people are out today, how many people can see him and Phil holding hands. There’s so many people, so many people.

Dan’s pulse had jumped the second he laces his fingers with Phil’s, but now his heart hammering hard in his chest and it’s only been a few minutes, but he feels like he’s going to be ill. Everyone’s staring at them, he can feel it. He can feel their eyes burning holes in him, in Phil. Everyone’s eyes are on the two of them, as if they’re some freakshow in the circus, as if they’ve got a huge neon sign above them that illuminates the words “LOOK AT US” and Dan wants to cry because everyone’s staring at them, he knows it, he can feel it. 

He glances over at Phil, and this is the widest he’s seen him smile in days, and Dan’s such an asshole because he’s going to ruin this for Phil because he’s freaking out so much right now. He sucks in a deep breath, hoping Phil doesn’t notice the way his chest is caving in right now. He doesn’t notice; he’s still smiling, and Dan can see his lips are moving but he can’t hear a word he’s saying because his heart is pounding too loudly right now and it’s drowning out everything else. 

Dan looks down at their hands. Their fingers are locked and interlaced, and Phil’s thumb is rubbing gently over the back of his hand. He wonders if Phil can feel how sweaty his palms are. He wonders if Phil’s ignoring how sweaty his palms are. 

He takes another deep breath but it doesn’t help him breathe any easier. Because everyone’s still staring at them, they’re looking at them. They’re pointing, everyone’s pointing at them as they walk past. And they’re whispering about the two of them, whispering horrible, mean things, and oh god, he can’t do this, he can’t do this. 

Before he can talk himself out of it, Dan hastily untangles his hand from Phil’s and Phil stops walking and looks at him. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I-” Dan still can’t breathe. His chest is tight and his hands are still sweaty; he wipes them on the sides of his jeans. “I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?” Phil asks him, and Dan can’t unhear how sad he sounds right now. “What did I do?”

Dan wants to cry. “You didn’t do anything.” he says, because he didn’t do anything. It’s everyone else, they’re staring at them and pointing and whispering. But he doesn’t say that, because he’s not thinking clearly and he’s panicking, so he blurts out, “I don’t like holding hands in front of everyone.” 

And because it’s only half of the truth, Phil doesn’t understand and Dan hates himself right now because he isn’t sure how to make Phil understand why he doesn’t like holding hands. But it’s too late now, because Phil looks like a kicked puppy and it’s all Dan’s fault.

“Can we just go home?” he asks quietly. He’s tired and sweaty and he’s going to cry, he knows it and he’d rather it not be in front of everyone because that’ll give them more reasons to point and whisper and stare. 

Phil doesn’t fight him on this; he doesn’t even say anything. He just nods, stuffing his hands in his pockets and Dan’s a terrible person and a terrible boyfriend, and he knows “I’m sorry” isn’t going to fix this.

* * * 

They don’t speak for the whole of the walk home, and the second they set foot in their flat, Phil rushes off to the office and locks himself in. Dan’s behind him almost immediately, knocking on the door and asking him to let him in. 

“I have to edit something,” Phil lies, because he doesn’t have anything to edit but he doesn’t want to be around Dan right now. He doesn’t understand it; it’s not like he’s asking Dan to be all over him, he just wants to hold his hand. Why is that so much to ask? “Just-” he hesitates, because he’s never said this to Dan before but he tells him, “Just leave me alone for a little while.” because he really does just need to be alone. But then again, maybe he doesn’t because he’s getting lost in his thoughts now and before he knows it, tears are sliding down his cheeks.

Maybe Dan just doesn’t want to hold his hand - well that much if obvious, because he blatantly said to him _“I don’t like holding hands in front of everyone.”_. But maybe he was right all along; maybe Dan is ashamed of him.

There was a time when Dan used to think that Phil was too good for him, but who is he kidding? It isn’t 2009 anymore. And Phil was never too good for him. And now it’s 2014, and Dan’s hot and everyone knows it, and Phil isn’t good enough to be with him. Dan is gorgeous and funny, and so talented and so wise, and Phil is… Phil doesn’t even pale in comparison. 

He isn’t gorgeous, not in the slightest. Not like Dan; Dan’s got beautiful eyes and adorable dimples and the cutest smile, and Phil is just awkward looking and pale in a gross Voldemort way. He doesn’t have a cute smile like Dan does, or adorable dimples like Dan does. He’s not funny and he’s not talented and he’s not wise and he’s just Phil. But “just Phil isn’t” enough; not cute enough, not funny enough, not even remotely good enough to be Dan’s boyfriend

The more Phil thinks about it, the more he realizes that it was only a matter of time before Dan came to his senses. What was he even thinking, getting with Phil in the first place? How did he even think that Phil was cool or hot, because he’s neither of those things. And as he gets older, he’s just getting less and less cool, and definitely less and less attractive. 

And then there’s Dan, who’s still young and beautiful, and Phil’s almost thirty and he’s going to want to settle down soon but Dan’s not even twenty-three and he hasn’t even lived his life yet. And now Phil can’t figure out how they managed to make it work for as long as they did at this point. They’ve been together for four years now; maybe it’s been four years too long. Maybe the fire that was once igniting his and Dan’s relationship has died now, because Dan’s too good for him and now he’s starting to realize it. 

Tears are falling down his cheeks and he just lies down on the couch, burying his face in one of their throw pillows and he cries. Because it’s clear as day that Dan doesn’t love him anymore and it’s only a matter of time before it’s over. 

* * *

Phil falls asleep, and when he wakes up the office is dark and it’s been a few hours since he’s locked himself in the office. His neck is stiff from lying on the couch and his back hurts and there’s dry drool on his pillow. He sits up and stretches, before taking a deep breath and deciding that it’s time he tried to talk to Dan. 

He gets up to his feet and unlocks the door, hesitating before he opens it, and to his surprise he sees Dan lying on the floor right outside of the office, as if he had been waiting for him all this time. He’s curled up in a little ball and he’s fast asleep, and Phil can’t help but to smile a little bit; he looks like a little bunny and the fact that he fell asleep waiting for him makes him kind of happy.

But at the same time, he’s still upset over everything that’s happened today, and in the past few days, and it had been happening for a while now and Phil isn’t sure if it’s over or not between them. But regardless, he loves Dan and he can’t leave him on the floor like this, no matter how angry or upset he is with him. 

He kneels down and gently shakes Dan, “Hey, Dan. Bear, wake up.” he whispers softly. He shakes Dan a few more times before he finally wakes up.

The younger boy brings his hands up to his face and rubs his eyes, and Phil puts a hand on his shoulder, helping him sit up. “Do you still hate me?” Dan mumbles sleepily. 

Phil feels a pang in his heart. “I never hated you, Dan.” he tells him.

“You should,” Dan rests his head on Phil’s shoulder, barely awake. “I’m a terrible boyfriend,” he adds with a yawn and no, he can’t be this cute and this sad when Phil’s mad at him, it’s not fair. 

“You’re not, okay.” Phil tells him, and then he helps him to his feet because it’s late and they’re both tired and they’re obviously in no condition to talk about this right now. “Let’s just go to bed and we can talk about this in the morning.” he suggests. Dan nods and the two of them head over to their bedroom where they both fall asleep almost as soon as their heads touch the pillow, and Phil’s arms are wrapped loosely around Dan’s waist for what he hopes isn’t the last time.

* * *

The next morning, neither of them have forgotten about how they need to talk today, and they’re both nervous wrecks all morning. Dan’s hands shake as he hands Phil his mug of coffee and Phil takes it from him before he drops it, because it’s bound to happen at this rate. Neither of them say much, because they know the conversation that’s going to happen and they aren’t ready for it, not one bit. 

They sit across from each other at their kitchen table, hands occupied by their cooling mugs of coffee and Dan keeps looking down, unable to meet Phil’s eyes. He’s nervous, he hasn’t been this nervous since… well, yesterday. But still, he’s a nervous wreck because he doesn’t want to make Phil any angrier with him and he doesn’t want to fight with him anymore. He loves Phil, he loves him so much. He just hopes after all of this, PHil still loves him.

After a while, Phil just sighs because they need to talk about this and he isn’t going to beat around the bush any longer. “Are you embarrassed of me, Dan?” he asks. “Are - are you embarassed to be with me?” 

Dan’s eyebrows knit together in genuine confusion. “No? Why would you - how could you ever think that?” he asks him.

“Then why do you treat me differently in public?” Phil asks in reply. “Why don’t you ever want to hold my hand, or let me put my arm around you, or anything?”

Dan chews on his bottom lip, looking down at his fidgeting hands on the table top. “...We hold hands and stuff all the time at gatherings and at the BBC and in videos. It’s not like I’m totally against PDA.”

“It’s different when we’re out in public and you know it.” Phil replies. “It’s like you’re not even my boyfriend when we walk around; you won’t hold my hand or let me kiss your cheek. And when we’re on the train or the bus, you never let me cuddle you, even for a little bit. It’s like-” Phil stops himself and he sighs again. “I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” he says sadly.

Dan falls silent again, because he needs to word this the right way or Phil won’t understand. He swallows thickly and he utters, “I just get really anxious, okay.”

“Why though?” he hesitates slightly before asking, “Do you not want people to see us together?” 

“No, of course not!” Dan’s eyes widen. “No, I promise that it’s not you, okay? You - you’re perfect. You’re my whole world and I want everyone to know that you’re mine and that I’m yours.”

“Then why do you-”

“Because,” Dan sighs and he takes a second to collect his thoughts before he slowly starts to explain it all to him, “I know that our fans accept us, it’s just everyone else that I’m worried about.”

“What, like strangers? Random people on the street or on the tube?” Phil asks, and Dan nods timidly. “Who cares what anyone else thinks about us though? If anyone has anything bad to say about us, I’d punch them,” Dan smiles a little when Phil says this, because they both know Phil is probably the most nonviolent person ever and he wouldn’t hurt a fly. “But really Dan,” he says. “it’s not going to change our relationship just because of what some stranger thinks about it.” 

Dan chews on the insider of his cheek for a second. “But it freaks me out, okay.” he tells him. “I - I don’t like it when random people judge me. Or us. Mostly you; I don’t know, it’s all dumb but whenever I think about some dickhead on the side of the street calling you names because you’re holding my hand, it makes me - I just can’t handle it. It gives me so much anxiety honestly - that’s why I freaked out yesterday, I just get all kinds of anxiety about this and I hate it but I don’t know what to do to stop it.” Dan pauses to sigh, and he brings his hands up to rub his temples. He takes a timid glance at Phil for a moment, to see how he’s taking all of this; he doesn’t look angry at him and he hasn’t interrupted to tell him that all of this is stupid so Dan takes that as a good sign and he continues, “That’s why I get weird about PDA most of the time. Because at gatherings or meetups, it’s just our fans who love us and who don’t say mean things about us, but on the tube or in the streets, it’s just… there’s so many people, and people are assholes and I’m - I get scared that when we hold hands or kiss in front of everyone that people are going to point at us like we’re some freakshow, or some douchebag is going to call us names, and I just - I don’t want that.” he keeps stuttering and fumbling over his words because he’s so nervous, but finally he’s told Phil the truth and while he’s feeling particularly anxious about all of it, he feels so relieved that Phil finally gets it. 

Phil takes a moment to consider all of this; Dan’s always been anxious like this, but he never would’ve guessed that something like this would give Dan so much anxiety. And the more he thinks about it, the more he thinks about how Dan’s eyes dart around when Phil tries to hold his hand, how Dan would always glance around, how anxious and afraid he’d look. It’s all starting to make sense now.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” Phil asks him. 

Dan shrugs. “I never knew how to say it,” he mumbles, still not meeting Phil’s eyes. “And I… I was worried that you’d be mad at me, or think I was just being dumb or something.”

“Dan,” Phil gets up and brings a chair up right beside Dan, taking his hands and and Dan looks at him shyly. “First of all, if this is something that upsets you, then it’s not dumb, okay? I would never think that. And secondly, if I knew, i wouldn’t have kept forcing myself on you.”

“I should’ve told you,” Dan says. “We’ve been fighting and it’s all because of me and I’m-”

“Stop,” Phil muses his hair back and tells him, “You don’t have to be sorry, okay? You can’t help how you feel.”

Dan all but crawls into Phil’s lap and rests his head against the crook of his neck, and Phil wraps his arms around him tightly. They both needed a cuddle like this for a long time. “I tried to stop,” he tells him. “I tried to just not care what people say or think, but it’s just hard.”

“I know, it’s okay,” Phil says. “And if you want, we don’t have to do the PDA thing anymore. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“But,” Dan hesitates. “I don’t want to make you sad anymore.”

“Oh bear,” Phil sighs. “I - I wasn’t sad because you wouldn’t hold my hand. I was sad because…” he pauses. “I thought you were embarrassed to be with me. I thought you didn’t want people to see us together because you were ashamed of me.”

Dan looks up at Phil. “How on earth could you ever think that?” he asks him. “You’re the most attractive, most perfect, more amazing person ever. I have loved you since I was nineteen years old, and I’m always going to love you.”

Phil can’t stop smiling. “You really think so?” he asks shyly. 

Dan leans in and kisses Phil, on the lips, on the cheek, on the neck, and he cuddles Phil again and tells him, “If anything you’re way too good for me, okay?”

“Let’s make it even and agree we’re both too good for each other.” Phil tells him, dropping a kiss on top of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Dan tells him.

“Forever, please?” Phil asks, and Dan chuckles a little, leaning up to kiss him again, and he whispers, “Forever.”


End file.
